The Holiday weekend is officially over.

Christmas came and went with a rushed *BANG*.
I survived, but with minimal sanity left over.
I learned some things this weekend, things that I think every mother of 6 should keep in mind:

1) When preparing for Christmas (or any other gift giving holiday), budget.
I'm not necessarily referring to just money. Budget for your own sanity. Be sure to have enough "spirits" to last the entire season. For each child or houseguest, allow for one bottle per guest, or child per day. If I have 6 kids at home. and one in-law, that equals 7 bottles of liquid sanity per day on hand. Just in case. I'm not suggesting that you consume all 7 bottles, but it won't hurt to have them on hand. Just. In. Case.

2) Keep a separate calendar tucked away where only you can see it. Mark things like "2 more days until the little bastards are home for 10 consecutive days. Buy more wine", or perhaps mark the days that your dear husband will be home to help...annoy you. The entry might look like this "H#2 off today, plan on getting NOTHING done so you can attend to his "to-do list."
Keeping track of useless days is just as important as keeping track of your wine supply.

3) While you certainly have traditions that are important for you to share with your family, things that your mama shared with you, be prepared to let all of those things go. You will be lucky if you have time to pee or shower in the weeks leading up to that "magical time of year". It won't matter that you've skipped over these things, because frankly, as I've found out- NOBODY cares. Traditions went out with 8-track tapes.

4) When you think you are prepared, the shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped, the meal is planned...you're wrong. Some fuckwad is going to show up at your door with two extra guests, and act like it's a gift to you! Smile politely, excuse yourself and go take a fat tranquilizer, pronto! That is all that is going to save you from opening your mouth and leveling your mother-in-law. Remember, Christmas is not the day to air your grievances.

5) If you've got grown children and they only speak to you once a year, have your speech rehearsed for when they show up to "surprise you" too. Remember, you've got an hour or so of their time for the entire year to get your "mother's guilt" in. They won't listen anyway, but you'll feel better for having reminded them of the disappointment they've become.

6) When the day is winding down, the gifts have been opened, the food has been scarfed, feel free to feign ill and go lay down for a bit. Sometimes it's the only way to signal to your guests that you are done with their presence. It is also a way to get another magic pill in, so when you say goodbye, you don't rattle off the list of things you hate about your guests. Who cares if you think so & so is an emotional retard, or if la-la-la is a dysfunctional alcoholic. What matters most is, these people are finally leaving, and you can take your bra off now.

7) Don't expect gratitude. From anyone. In their eyes, it is your job to tirelessly clean, shop, prepare, wrap, decorate and plan. In fact, your family believes that it is your job to do all of these things without thanks because, after all, you do nothing all year long but lay around eating bon bons and playing Farmville. Just accept that you asked for this.

8) When other's send you sweet text messages wishing you the holiday's best, it is appropriate to ignore their stupid, empty messages. A texted "Merry Christmas" is equal to a texted "I'm sorry, but I want a divorce". It is empty and thoughtless. The only time it is appropriate to send a text greeting is when you are not sure if the recipient is in bed, screwing their brains out, and you don't want to be the dork that interrupts.

9) Social networking sites are not the place to be on Christmas day. If you are there, then you are obviously unhappy in your surroundings. Get off the sofa and go find something that makes you happy. Drive to the beach, Being stuck at home with people that you don't like is no way to pay homage to the season. If you can't do that, then sure, go ahead and play "Pot Farm", but be aware, your stalker will know that you are miserable on Christmas, and THAT starts a whole new set of issues.

10) Remember that the 24-48 hour period of "jolly-ness" will be over soon. Before you know it, you'll be sneaking leftovers, and cleaning up bits of ribbon and tissue paper, and figuring out where in the hell you are going to put all of that useless crap Aunt Hagatha bought for you and the kiddo's. Soon, your husband will leave for work and you will have control of the remote again. Soon, the smelly guests will leave, and you'll no longer have to be polite about how bad they stunk up the bathroom. Soon, you'll be able to sit "in your spot", and the kids will be back to fighting over who's turn it is to sit by daddy.

If I can survive, you can too...
And now you have notes, for next year- when you have to deal with this debacle all over again.

Happy New Year
~The Bitch